A brief history of my romantic existance: What you may or may not know about me.

The fastest way between two points is a straight line. The points in this case being where your journey begins and then (in theory) where it ends. But in so many cases there’s too many connections in place and its near impossible to not stray from the original journey. Trying to force the lines to stay straight is stressful and uncomfortable. The fastest way is very rarely the best way even though it may be what a lot of us want. We want effortless without the effort; but the work to make the visual of an effortless relationship is often a full time job. Both of the serious long term romantic relationships I’ve had in my adult life were traumatic and terrifying but the visual to those on the outside were often visually effortless. This created a problem when the heavy abuse started to become apparent and I couldn’t find an ally as quickly as I needed one. So in turn, since I felt like I didn’t have an out. I would start putting a lot of work and effort into seeming like we were fine. The pressure this creates on a person is what it takes to turn coal into a diamond times a million.

In relationship one (the queens village alcoholic) I started suppressing any intense feelings because I had convinced myself that things were hopeless and therefore it wasn’t worth the effort and that basically, I might die in the disgusting urine and mold covered house I was living in while being called worthless every night by a slurry mess of a human. I was so unhappy but I figured happiness was fleeting and really wasn’t something I got to have anymore. But from there I became really great at handling the messes of others because I detached from my own feelingsand therefore focus on theirs, only recognizing that I never felt any love for this man but was instead just trapped. I was so good at carrying the emotional weight of everyone else because of this. I became everyone’s rock. I could be sound and stoic in moments that would crumble most to dust. My friends named this part of me “Niki bot”. Niki bot was tough, tight and detached for everyone who needed to be loose and unraveled. But that energy had to be let out somewhere so I pushed it all down and then whatever was left I drank away.

If someone was in trouble or I had to play caretaker then the adrenaline would keep me sober until the coast was clear. After that every drink would hit me at once and I would black out wherever I was. My friends called it “Mom Mode” and would sometimes use this to their advantage by putting themselves in tricky situations on purpose while out with me because they knew I’d stay coherent enough long enough to look out for them. But then they would leave and I would end up literally on the floor and would need to use natural instincts to lead me home. I would go from the alpha to bottom feeder in very short amounts of time.

This way of life became my normal. Taking care of a slurry drunken man who would fall through the door days later covered in mysterious blood stains became my normal. Cleaning up a grown man’s urine from weird places became my normal. Being on 80ML of prescription gastric distress meds a day when the standard is 20ML a week became my normal. Supressing all the ways I needed to feel what I was feeling became my normal. What’s crazy is that after I was able to escape to my friend's basement several years later all the physical symptoms went away in 2 weeks. I never needed those pills again. I had spots on my lungs that almost turned into cancer from the black mold in the walls and the GRD in my digestive tract was so intense I needed surgery. But then I remove myself and it vanished. The stress of that relationship including the physical ramifications and holding in all those emotions from being abused emotionally was literally killing me.

A year later living in south Philly, I met ex number two (The absent minded identity seeking mystic). He lived a short walk from me, It was very convenient and things moved very fast because we would see each other a lot. We met and then didn’t spend a day apart for over a month. Despite this closeness there was a distance that was apparent and being put into place by him, often blaming the uncontrollable hand of destiny for the problems we had. It was the opposite of number one because I had to express what I was feeling at all costs; and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to learn how to do. He would do the same but then a day or so later would try and retract any statements that would move us forward. He would knock down a hurdle and then build a bigger one in its place. But I, always being up to a challenge, would break each one as they were constructed. Being Niki-Bot didn’t work here. For the first time in my life I had to learn how to feel and I had to learn how to deflect the feelings of those around me instead of absorbing it and processing it to nothingness. All of a sudden, I had to put on a similar air of happy appearances to the public but while actually trying to process these emotions publicly instead of squashing them down. For a while it worked, people admired us and would praise our union. #RelationshipGoals as the kids might say.

The more put together we seemed to other people the more it would make him try and push me away. We were better, and then also simultaneously we were worse. He would give us a title and then remove it. He would say he loves me and then try and leave claiming he was over reacting. He would say we should live together and then take it back claiming we were moving too fast. It was a constant push/pull and it was a mind fuck. But it was the first time I actually felt like I was growing as a person despite all the mess. There were so many times I had thought the cocoon had formed and cracked but this time the chrysalis was actually breaking. Niki-bot was dismantling.

I decided that even though we had our struggles we had love and goddammit I wasn’t going to lose it! When he started creating new hurdles like bringing other people into the relationship both physically and emotionally, I decided that if this is what he needs to grow then I will give up all of myself that I possibly can to support his growth. This is happiness. This is support. You have to lose something to gain something, right? Even though we were going through hell I still felt like this was the healthiest relationship I had ever had. Because honestly, it was. Things were weird but we had love and so many solid moments of beautiful contentment. Things became stable for a while and I loved it. I loved the routine. I loved having a confidant, and an emotional lean-to. Honestly, I often feel like I need that.

As I get older I crave stability. In order to sustain stability I have accepted some very unstable situations for the sake of “true love”. When he said he wanted to open up the relationship instead of judging or being upset, I started studying. I read the books. I watched the podcasts. I read the articles. I tracked down people who did it and loved it, as well as people who hated it. I did everything. But that was the problem too. “I” did all the work. But nevertheless, “We” decided for his sake we would become a polyamorous couple and we set rules and codes of conduct. We were happy with what we decided. But once it went into practice it was all disregarded. I was disrespected over and over and my health was put at risk when his band would go on tour and he have unprotected anonymous sex with groupies. He would gaslight me during arguments so I seemed like the unreasonable one whilst making very normal requests for time and affection. He would only tell me negative things about the other woman and then reprimand me for having a negative outlook. But I kept tolerating. I kept accepting. I kept fighting until I had nothing left. I wouldn’t let him not love me. The darkness crept in. we broke up two more times before it stuck. A total of 3 for those keeping track.

She became more and more apparent as a staple in the relationship in a negative way. Things weren’t fair. They were supposed to be but they weren’t. I was passed over and told requests for things like time on my birthday for example were “too much to ask for”. We went on a vacation to paradise and he missed most of it being on the phone with her and then we would argue. I can’t believe I had moments of unhappiness in one of the most visually amazing places on the planet. He would choose to pull himself away from things that were supposed to be our special curated moments. But if you go through the pictures you would never know. Things seemed perfect. As perfect as the stars in those clear skies of paradise.

After Hawaii we no longer had content moments. We broke up after my birthday in December but still were forced to be around each other. So naturally, he left her and bounced back to me by February. But we were done again by April. He always wanted what was on the other side of the fence. The storms were always stirring within himself so he was unable to accept any permanent sense of calm. He was always looking up for falling pianos and therefore so was I. The catch was that he created all the rigs so the ropes were faulty from the start. Until he finally created a hurdle too tall even for me, the strongest of emotional athletes; the need for a child, as told to him by “The universe”. I tried everything. Every compromise I could think of for this impossible situation. It hurt too much and made too little sense. My mouth would speak in plea bargains, but if my brain had any control of this I would have taken a settlement and ran months ago. When you’re that deep in love and there are problems your brain takes a recess for a while. It figures that your heart has it covered, and sometimes it does but usually you don’t want your heart acting as the closer in these kinds of cases.

Even though ex number one was actually a way worse life experience, I recovered from it way faster. The situation was so traumatic that it numbed me. While parting from ex number two ripped me to shreds. For the first time I finally allowed myself to be vulnerable to someone. A door I’d always been terrified to open. It was something that I always felt was for the weak who couldn’t exist in reality. I had to accept the rejection from that, and it felt like seething pain. I lost weight, too much weight. But when I was with ex number one I was unhappy and gave up on myself, so I gained a lot of weight. But there was a creeping acceptance like slowly succumbing to death, so it didn’t hurt when it ended. It was just (like anything else in that relationship) an acceptance of fate. But after ex number two, with all my efforts, I couldn’t put Niki-Bot back together. The parts are too scattered now and they don’t make the replacements anymore. The dismantling of Niki-bot was good but at the time it felt like pure hell. I may not look like much to the untrained eye, but I am a tough bitch; a god damn warrior woman. After all I’ve been through I’m almost damn near bulletproof. But in spite of all that, I have never felt pain like this. the fortress has been permiated and never fully repaired itself. It’s like if you could take down Wonder Woman by feeling feelings. I mean, I know she didn’t want people to lie but feelings? Well, that would be just god damn ridiculous. I have been abused, robbed, raped, disowned from my family more than once, literally stepped on at times and very very broken but putting it all out there and then having to accept those feelings back as rejection after fighting such a long hard fight, hurt like nothing I have ever experienced. I honestly, think you could have literally gutted me with a giant fish hook from sternum to belly and it wouldn’t have hurt as much as this.

Because of all this, I need to protect my heart. Now it’s like I am only able to be vulnerable. I don’t remember how to shield myself. Ex number two gave a new found sense of spiritualism that helped me ride the storms. It got me through the really tough stuff and going into deep meditation would often give me visuals that would coach me through the next step of some very hard processes. That relationship taught that it’s Ok to open up. It’s Ok to ask for help when you really need it. That vulnerability is not weakness. Your own happiness is valuable but it only comes from you. It’s an internal light that carries no switch, it just clicks on when you are ready for it. It changes you and then people start to notice and positive things start to happen. It’s fucking beautiful.

Ex number two made me notice something pretty peculiar. At first when he had sex with her he came home and told me about it and I felt physically ill. I felt disgust. He claimed to understand my hurt but he also looked really smug so I had trouble accepting his empathy. I didn’t want him to touch me. It hurt a lot. I had thoughts of not being good enough. Feelings of anger and betrayal were rampant. For a brief moment I found the person I loved so deeply absolutely disgusting. I thought it was jealousy, and perhaps some of it was. Jealousy is a normal human emotion and I would be lying if I said I never felt it in this situation. But the anger and disgust were from being disrespected, passed over, lied to. He had acted on the start of opening our relationship without my consent. He claimed he feel trapped if he didn’t start it all at that exact moment. I said I wasn’t ready, but as much as I was told otherwise my feelings didn’t matter. I said that I wanted to be settled in to our new home first, so I felt stable. That didn’t matter either. The deceit wasn’t necessarily connected to this other person. Even though she went on to become a huge pain in my side and caused me a lot of stress, it wasn’t because she was fucking my partner it was because she was an obnoxious human and he was a lost person who didn’t have his own sense of identity.

The closest I have ever come to questioning my own identity is this past year, all of it. Before that I have never questioned who I was as a person. Whatever was happening to me at whatever time, I accepted it. Even when I was messy, I was OK with being messy. I have never had an identity crisis. I’ve never questioned who I am at the core of my being. If I wanted to shift life gears, I’d just do it. I never needed to “find myself” because I knew I was the person standing right there in my own shoes. I made a ton of terrible choices but at the time of those choices I was confident in them. And even today I recognize them as bad but know they got me to where I am today. I had to fuck up….a lot. I had never realized this until I was with a person whose deeper identity and sense of self never fully formulated. He had never developed past his moldable wet clay years so he was constantly being remolded and therefore often very confused by others. I feel bad for him because it seems like an incredibly tumultuous existence that at this point will not get better. I basically raised myself so I could’ve developed either way. This was showing what could have happened if things went in the other direction. So I guess for that I should thank him.

I need to feel respected. I need to know I’m not expendable or transferable because I was treated like I was. And I am now accepting that this scenario has created abandonment issues. In relationships but also in life. I was told my feelings were valued when they weren’t. I do require a certain level of stability these days. I’m low maintenance, but I’m not no maintenance. If I care about someone then I will reach out to a fault, coming off much needier than I actually am. I am accepting of many situations. I am not judgmental, I’m really accepting and I when I love, I love really hard. Which is why dating is scary right now. I don’t know where the switch is that controls this outflow ever since I destroyed Niki-Bot. I am still learning these new manual controls that come with being a normal human being. I have a love for familiarity. It feels safe. But so does freedom.

I have recognized that when I am in a monogamous romantic relationship I love the stability and I need someone around for emotional support. I crave physical support. The only thing that stops an anxiety attack on sight is a loving embrace. It’s lame but it works and it’s very needy so I often don’t ask for the physical embrace I need in order the make my chest stop tightening. But ultimately I end up giving up parts of myself without realizing it for the sake of the other persons’ happiness. I stop caring about myself. I am just happy and trucking a long with my lover and then I wake up one day and realize that I have accepted so many things that hurt me that I am now buried in it and I’m miserable. Ex number 2 used to tell me that I was so thoughtful that it would make him feel guilty. About what? I have no idea, honestly. But now I need balance. I need to get back what I give. I know this but ultimately I end up losing a lot of myself. I can’t control it. It just happens. How do I end up relinquishing all these parts of me so fast? I am normally so strong. It’s like we are socially programmed to give up our hearts without getting the same needed support back. That’s why Niki-Bot stayed with me past ex number one. It’s why I am trying to shield myself. I need love balance. The only positive of all the monoga-mess is that afterwards I get to aggressively start over and get praise for rising from the ashes of the tire fire like the trashy little phoenix I am.

The past two years have been very transitional. I am a different person now. I accept that person and what she needed to go through. The core of me is strong and that holds sound and true but on the external, the chrysalis finally broke open. I am a new version of me that embraces what I used to be. I somehow figured out how to break the mundane cycle of the 9-5 and am make my living on my own via various side hustles that include starting the business I always wanted to start. I am somehow making the rent of an apartment I never thought I could afford. The shitty friends have filtered themselves out and I am left with a solid tribe of awesome humans including new ones and ones I thought were long lost but by some serendipitous twist of fate have reconnected. I just hope that these same people (particularly the ones I have reconnected with) are there to see who I fully am once the transition is fully completed and I am my complete self again. I want them to know me and I want them to see me shine. In turn, I want to be able to see the same in them. Your growth is beautiful. Your light is bright. And you deserve love and acceptance. We all do.

I have unintentionally deterred several dates because I am very vocal about not wanting something serious romantically. First off, I’m still healing. But mostly, It’s so I can focus on the start of my business and just get through the holidays which are often a difficult time for me when it comes to family, finances and seasonal depression. I have to fight the weather so I can remain who I truly am and not succumb to the negative version of me that can’t muster up the energy to go outside come January. This year is so bad already that I had to buy accessories for my home to help me combat it. But I have often been afraid to talk about it because I refuse to be seen as someone who makes themselves seem like a victim. This year I am embracing that this happens to a lot of people and that I will beat this. On a similarly dark note I have started discussing my rape incident more openly as a survivor instead of suppressing a story that could ultimately help someone who lived through something and feels lost. It’s important for us to be vocal about our incidents in a safe non-destructive way. This goes for any trauma that someone is scared to share due to judgement of others. I am not ashamed to say that I need to feel accepted. I need to feel loved. And I am often going through something I won’t talk about and need to be asked if I’m ok. I used to be ashamed of this, but I’m not anymore and you shouldn’t be either. I am here to help. Never be afraid to let someone in.

I am not actively seeking a serious relationship. I need to get my business off the ground. That needs to be my main focus right now. That being said, I am also not going to shy away from an emotional opportunity if it arises or suppress developing feelings. I think that’s unhealthy. I won’t push down feelings if they develop. I will accept and embrace them and just hope that timing works out. I will not let it shift my focus but if things are supposed to happen then it won’t be an issue because that person will be in a similar place and will understand. Things should never be forced in either direction. I’ve learned that the hard way. I am learning to flow. I think that we meet people for a reason. I think we meet the really important ones when we’re in our mess, when things are weird or transitional. You meet them when things are uncomfortable and then someone accepts you despite that. They help you thrive when you get out of the chrysalis and become your butterfly. Everyone carries a purpose. I always think that if someone leaves your life and they come back there is a reason for that too. I believe in serendipity and I believe in some form of destiny. It’s silly and overly romantic but I’ve learned too much from it to deny it. It all means something and whatever that something is, it’s important whether it be connected to something that has longevity or a quick lesson. Maybe you don’t know what it is right away but it’s there. Find the connection and follow it. Don’t push it. Flow with it. Although it may not be a straight line, although it may not be the quickest journey. The end will be where you are supposed to be with who you’re supposed to be with.