There.

I thought you were there.

Feeding off this thirsty search for relief like finding water in the desert from a visual distance

Only to have it be a mirage

The sand feels so dry in my mouth

Even though I know it won’t quench the need to keep trying is so strong that I almost asphyxiate

The feelings seemed so real

The water looked so wet from a distance

I thought you were there but you weren’t

I was being fed life lines via long strings but they weren’t attached to anything on the other side

Or maybe they were but the lines had been severed at some point

I know it’s tempting but don’t grab the line

You’ll fall

You’ll fall and never recover

You’ll never recover from the support you thought you had

Because you’ll be too busy on the floor trying to lick your own wounds knowing full well you can’t reach the open wounds that would need it.

And now you’re on the floor bent in a strange and uncomfortable shape and you look ridiculous

Reaching up for help seems like what you should do but why do it if you’re not there

Just stay on the floor

It’s easier

You’ll bleed out eventually

I’ve been drowning in a way that’s only in my head

So I guess now you have to know how to help without me telling you because after being shut down I am afraid to open up. Women,Am I Right?

I came out of my shell but that was silly so now I’m going back in

It’s warm and safe in here and I am protected by armor

If I sink and drown I’ll at least be comfortable and impenetrable

Instead of drowning and slowing sinking only to reach up

Thinking I see a strong safe hand through the blurry greens and blues

Only to have it be a weak wet tree branch that hangs too close to the water

I’d rather sink than snap under the weight that is the illusion of what I thought was love.

Screaming outright did nothing but scare my neighbors

And now that the water is filling my lungs none of it matters

I will crumble under the weight of all of this and then rise up from the ashes as if nothing happened

Appearing strong due to suppression

I might be a mess on the inside

But I reconstructed my shell so you’ll never know

The love

The support

Like the mirage

The branch

And you

Were never actually there.

-

March 2019